(Leigh Anderson/LifeHacker)- To get an idea of how professional conflict resolution experts handle tense situations, I spoke to Robin Burcell, a former cop, detective and hostage negotiator and now a crime novelist, and Chris Voss, the former lead international hostage negotiator for the FBI and author of Never Split The Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It.
Label the Emotions, and Don't Use 'I' Statements
"Naming strong emotions, like fear, causes those feelings to diminish," says Voss. "'You seem angry,'" is a way of affirming their feelings and expressing empathy. But "how you make the observation — that's the tricky part. I is a self-focusing word. 'You seem angry [is better.] You changes the focus of what the sentence is. 'You seem afraid' causes the person to think about it. Do I seem afraid? Once you try to get people to admit things, the dynamic changes."
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