IN
THIS CORNER
By Lynne Kinnucan
By Lynne Kinnucan
THE
BOOKS YOU’VE BEEN WAITING FOR:
QUICK
TIPS FOR GETTING OUT OF CONFLICT
Stop
the Dreaded Drama: 55 Tips for Ending Destructive Conflict
Stop
Avoiding Conflict: Learn to Address Disputes Before They Erupt
Patricia
Porter has a new MiniBük out, and we should all be glad. A companion to her
2014 Stop the Dreaded Drama: 55 Tips for Ending Destructive Conflict, Stop Avoiding Conflict: Learn to Address
Disputes Before They Erupt, expands this territory
by focusing on the sabotaging effect of conflict avoidance. It provides
detailed analyses of disputes and suggestions for actions. It is specific,
multi-layered in its approach, as well as concise and reader-friendly.
It is also five inches tall, making it easily available on a
moment’s notice.
Together the two MiniBüks are an
instant-rescue team for the layperson in conflict. For fast reference, each tip
in Stop the Dreaded Drama is only a few sentences long; Stop Avoiding
Conflict goes into more planning and strategy but is equally accessible.
Both texts are meant for
immediate reference, but Stop Avoiding Conflict is also an excellent guide
for setting up difficult discussions. It comes straight to the point by
focusing on specific behaviors that actually trigger conflict by avoiding it,
and how you can deal with conflict avoidant people in any setting.
Take
the example of the feuding neighbors:
“In your close-knit neighborhood, families hang out together during National Night Out, go to Homeowner Association meetings, and chat at community garage sales and holiday events. Still……”
and with that, Porter, a gifted
storyteller, lands us smack in the middle of multiple disputes. Fortunately she provides us not only with
strategies, but also reflections on the process and, in a preface, a succinct
analysis of conflict avoidance including triggers in the brain, behaviors you
are likely to see - and why - and then successful ways to deal with them.
Porter notes avoiding conflict is
both a choice and an approach. We may choose to pretend it is not happening and
then deal with it by acting that way.
But how do we deal with people who take this action course, and how do
we deal with it in ourselves?
And an office setting provides
scenarios -- including one where
avoidance may be a good choice and one -- such as one where a boss’s sense of
self or authority may be threatened (with the potential for a lizard brain
response) or employees do not feel heard – where it might be a bad choice.
A co-worker may have to deal with someone who is annoying but who may
not have the communication skills, or the ability, to make a needed
change. Sometimes, says Porter, avoiding
conflict is both a choice and an approach for dealing with a tough situation.
She offers a list of questions to ask oneself to determine if, indeed, an
intervention is worth it.
Conversely, a boss may choose to
deal directly with disgruntled employees before a situation gets out of hand. The
following is the opening part of the simple and highly effective strategy that Porter
suggests, setting the tone and opening the way.
First and foremost, acknowledge
the concern the other person brings to you. Simply say,
“Thanks for bringing this to my
attention.”
2. Use language that demonstrates
empathy, like, “It sounds like this situation has crossed the
line for you and others, and now
you need my support.”
3. Be careful not to assume
needs. Listen carefully and ask a question such as “What do you need
from me?”
Deceptively simple; highly
effective. Instead of reacting from the protective lizard brain, the boss puts
the executive function of his brain to work with this strategy and sets a tone
of welcome and mutual cooperation.
Just as avoidance is a choice, so
is courage a choice. As in the other situations, Porter brings us scenarios,
strategies and useful questions to ask ourselves; practicing courage and
knowing what tools to use and when. “Courage is a choice,” Porter writes. “Being
courageous and fearless takes practice; it requires vulnerability; it means
making hard decisions and it requires action.”
Because
she is dealing with the anxiety and dread surrounding conflict, courage is a
theme that runs through both books.
In 55 Tips, “Conflict Avoidance”
reaches into that part of us that doesn’t want conflict at all, and explores how
conflict works in the limbic and executive parts of our brains. “Analyze the
Conflict”- the thinking stage - is followed by an equally thoughtful analysis
of oneself and the other party’s emotions in “Overcome the Conflict
Dread”. The acknowledgment of the
underlying dread brought to the table is invaluable in helping to prevent
conscious and unconscious behaviors that can sabotage the discussion. “Got
Perspective” is followed by “Prepare for Difficult Conversations” and then how
to establish a structure for this.
Stop Avoiding
Conflict
addresses “the courage it takes to get out of the destructive storm,” and
offers “10 Courageous Steps to Develop This Muscle: strategies to build your courage muscle to
deal with conflict more effectively.”
It may be the least urgent and
most important chapter in the book.
The book’s analysis of the conflict avoider is
followed by a strategy (look for behavioral clues,), then a breakdown of the
strategy (a list of clues ranging from the overt such as slamming a door, to
the hidden, simply not responding at all), strategies to deal with those, and
even suggestions of what to say – in short, everything one would look for in a
mentor.
Like 55 Tips, it is
seamlessly divided into action phases, beginning with how to recognize conflict
avoidance, moving on to the role of fear in passive-aggressive behaviors, and
from there how to shift conflict-avoidant thinking, change its behavior and
interact with conflict avoiders.
Porter has a talent for
organizing complex situations into clear, manageable bites. Each section
contains a point she is trying to make; scenarios to illustrate her point; and
specific suggestions on what to say and actions to take. A space is provided
for notes and reflections.
In 55 Tips, the suggestions are organized for
quick reference into seven categories, loosely following the stages of
mediation, but often with a personal touch, such as in “Anchor a Strategy with
a Tangible Object” (Tip #17), in which she shares her own. She also helps the
reader recognize his or her own emotional traps and offers quick and thoughtful
ways to deal with them, such as in Tip# 15 “Tame the Lizard Brain”: “When
intense emotions take over due to a conflict, your brain enters survival mode
the reptilian (lizard) protecting you from what you believe is a threat. By vocalizing how you feel, such as ‘I am
frustrated,’ or, ‘I am really disappointed,’ you are shifting activity from the emotional center to the rational
part of your brain.” (Italics mine)
I, for one, didn’t know that vocalizing shifted
intense emotions to the rational part of my brain, where I might take charge of
them and I’m glad I read this.
This tip works well with Tip # 44, in the section on
establishing a structure for the difficult conversation, “Be Responsive, Not
Reactive” which shows you how to do this. It also works well with another
hugely useful section, “After the Conversation,” in which Ms. Porter emphasizes
the importance of providing a safety net so that the work may continue even when
further problems arise.
The book promises that “You will
learn from real-life stories and specific examples about
how to recognize the behavioral
clues and the underlying motivating factors that drive us to react
this way,” and it lives up to its
promises.
What’s interesting about both
books is that Porter’s quick tips often prompt a state of quiet reflection
about how we ourselves are acting and feeling and, through this, help us gain
useful perspective and strategies to deal with the other person.
But the real genius of these two little books is
their distillation of decades of conflict intervention wisdom into a remarkably
succinct and powerful tool for (a) putting out conflict fires and (b) showing
how to stage future conflicts to prevent them. It is the how-ness of her book
that makes them so impressive, something like having one’s own personal mentor
in the room.
Who are these books for? For couples, families, managers, employees,
neighborhoods, colleagues, friends. If you’re a conflict intervenor, they can
be a stop-gap filler, something to give to that person who keeps wanting your
advice. If you’re caught in the middle
of someone’s dispute, these are for you.
If you’re having your own, these are for you.
But most importantly, if you want the tools to go
into conflict with “courage, confidence and competence,” these are for you.
# # #
Patricia
M. Porter is president of Conflict Connections®, Inc. She holds a license as a
clinical
social
worker (LCSW) and earned the founding designation of the Academy of Advanced
Practitioners (AAP) from the Association for Conflict Resolution (ACR), the
Credentialed Distinguished Mediator from the Texas Mediator Credentialing
Association, and the CINERGY® certified advanced conflict coach and
coach-mentor. She is an accredited Boss Whisperer® and a member of The Boss
Whispering Institute® focused on the study and practice of coaching abrasive
bosses. She is also serves as an adjunct faculty member at the graduate dispute
resolution program at Southern Methodist University in Plano, Texas.
She is founder of The Texas
Conflict Coach® program, a global online radio program launched in April 2009.
This community outreach program raises awareness and educates the ordinary
person on how to manage the everyday conflict in constructive and productive
ways.